Recently at a pastor’s fellowship gathering, biblical masculinity and how men are to lead their families rightly was a topic for discussion and prayer. Some of the guys I was with were saying that within their churches there are a lot of young men who are very serious about theology and hungry to grow and learn, and yet many of those same guys really don’t know how to rightly parent their children, or aren’t even attempting to do so. They talk a lot about making disciples and taking the world for Christ, but fail to lovingly lead their families or live out their theology at home. If we fail to lead our families well we fail across the board.
When I brought this up to some of the guys at Cornerstone their mind immediately went to family worship, how they study the Bible, pray, and sing with their families at home. And that’s great. For years we did family worship around the dinner table every night. I would typically read a story from a children’s Bible (my favorite is Banner of Truth’s The Child’s Story Bible), then we would walk through a Psalm and expound it together, and then work through catechism questions and memory work. But, the older my kids have gotten the crazier our schedule has gotten. So, now discipleship is more of an all day/everyday thing that is worked into whatever we’re doing and whatever we’re talking about.
I’m sure because I’m a pastor this is more of a natural thing for my family. We’re kind of always talking about and thinking about the things of God, the people of God, and our mission. My wife and I both do our own Bible reading plan, and are both usually reading our own books. But, everyday we run and walk a few miles together, and during that time we talk about everything. Sometimes it’s just telling each other about our day, but a lot of the time it’s theological discussions and/or practical application of such things. Our runs got very interesting when I was becoming convinced of paedobaptism. And we don’t just do this when we’re running. My wife is my best friend, so we spend as much time together as possible and talk constantly about everything… especially the things of God. We love each other. We talk to each other. We pray for each other. And these things go a long way for the health of a marriage.
We do still gather for prayer, devotion, and song, just not as often. It’s not uncommon for us to do that with other families from church as well. My family has prayed many prayers, sung many songs, and studied the Bible in many living rooms across the church. With all of that said, I would encourage you guys to try to find something that works for you and be as consistent as you can. But, understand that life comes at you in seasons, and some seasons will be busier than others, and your routines will have to change and adapt to life. And that’s ok.
Now, with all of this said, the pastors I was with at this pastor’s fellowship weren’t focusing primarily on family worship. Yes… We should all be praying for and leading our families in the Word in some way or another. But, what these guys were concerned about is the practical day to day leadership that we men should be walking out. No doubt we are to follow Christ who is the perfect Prophet, Priest, and King. So, all three of those should mark out our leadership. We must prophetically speak God’s Word into the life of our family. We must be priests who daily intercede for our family, and who represent Christ to our family. But we must also be kings who lead, serve, protect, and enact justice.
Ephesians 5 tells us that we are to be men who lead by loving, sacrificing for, serving, protecting, providing for, teaching, shepherding, and caring for, all to the end that those we love and lead would know, love, submit to, and follow Jesus more and more. And all of that is suppose to mark out the type of prophets, priests, and kings we are. So, we are Christlike prophets, priests, and kings. Which means, we are merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love, yet also just. No doubt, we want submission to our leadership, but we want glad-hearted submission, not begrudging submission. So, when we must (and we must) discipline, rebuke, correct, punish, etc… we don’t do it simply because we’re after submission, but because we’re after joyful and glad-hearted submission and obedience. We must seek to shepherd the heart, not just behavior. We want gospel transformation, not mere behavior modification, though there will be overlap at times. But the thing to keep in mind is who Jesus is and how He leads us.
Jesus is Lord, but He’s not a tyrant. He is our Lord and Savior who loved us and gave Himself for us. And that’s what must mark out our leadership. As reformed brethren, we believe in irresistible grace. It is God’s grace that wins us. It’s God’s grace that leads us to submission. And that must permeate our leadership as well. We must be calm and level headed men. Men who bring love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control into every room we walk into. Even when we discipline and uphold justice all of those attributes must be present.
The guys I was with yesterday were specifically concerned about fathers not knowing how to discipline their children. They were either too passive or too aggressive. And I would say those same errors are typical in how men lead their wives as well… Most are either too aggressive or too passive. We must be level-headed, Christlike men. We must be men who bring resolution and peace, not make things worse. Ask yourself, does your presence typically put your family and your brothers and sisters at ease, or does your presence make people anxious and on edge? Or does your presence not seem to matter at all? We want to be the first, not the others. We want to be godly men, not overly aggressive or passive men. That’s what biblical masculinity looks like in action.
We must discipline our kids. We must uphold justice. We must lead our families. But, we must do it all by the Spirit, with the fruit of the Spirit. When we spank our children when they’re young, or rebuke them and punish them in more age appropriate ways when they’re older, we don’t do it in a fit of anger, but with self-control and love. There’s a difference between discipline and wrath. That’s why there’s no condemnation for those who are in Christ, but there is discipline. For discipline is a mark of true sonship.
So, don’t be passive men. And don’t be overly aggressive men. Be joyful warriors for the King. Be warrior priests. Be true Christlike prophets, priests, and kings for the good of your families, your church, this world, and the glory of God. Be men who bring joy and peace into the room with them, not anxiety and aggression.